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dusting it off

I know everyone in the world has a blog nowadays. I saw it coming a long time ago. No, really - I dated the girl who started Blogger. We only dated for 3 1/2 months, which seemed to be my make-or-break timeline for relationships. If a girl wasn't marriage material it would be apparent by the 3 1/2 month-mark. Anyway, Meg and I dated for a few months after I graduated college and was in that awkward "oh fuck, how do I start a career?!?" mode. It ended poorly. But this was January 1998 in the beginning of the dotcom boom and she was working with a few people in San Francisco creating something called "web logging" or blogging. She was a Type-A with an enforcing sadistic attitude towards anyone who lacked accolades similar or of higher achievement than hers. I'm friends with most of my ex's but I haven't spoken with Meg since. I've grown and I figure she has too. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. We were so wrong for each other - its comical now. But at the time, just out of college, I was searching for stability. Youth truly is wasted on the young.

But I'm not blogging again to reminisce past romances. I'm picking it up and dusting it off because my life has become far too narrow lately. I have a lot going on and no one to share it with. So I will post it here, as a start. Perhaps it will attract like-minded folks. Or opposite-minded folks. I think - most importantly - it will force me to document my ideas. By documenting my thoughts, I'm free to let them go and develop new ones, deeper ones, bigger ones. There is so much to the world, so many levels, and I've fallen into a rut that I'm having trouble digging out of.

I'm not going to spend much time editing these posts. At least initially. The intent is to get my ideas on metaphoric paper. But first I'm going to get a beer.

A letter to Darren in Bali

yo bro,

good to hear from you; glad you got there, hopefully all boards intact. does the motorbike have a board rack? waves sound like they're perfect size... not big enough to get really hurt (hopefully). a couple more days and you'll be up to speed. it took me 4 or 5 days in Fiji to start feeling comfortable, and I have almost no experience in coral reefs compared to you. You'll be fine.

Chatham break is looking really interesting. It's weird - for the last two years I've had a recurring dream, always the same images and theme... I'm driving in a truck, heading south on Shore Road toward the lighthouse, looking down at the breaks just off the road (almost like sunset cliffs but reverse) and it's all beach break. Most of the houses on the ocean side of Shore Road have fallen in or been moved. The sand bluffs are 30-40 feet high - not nearly as big as Welfleet - and they have some beach grass growing on top of them. The tide is mid and coming in. As we turn down near the tennis club and toward Morris Island, more breaks and dunes, and the road stops. In the dream, I don't get to the point where we suit up and paddle out. It always stops with checking the waves up and down Shore Road, looking to surf somewhere. The waves are head high or bigger and straight out of the east. There are a couple breaks 150 yards from shore, but most are 50 yards or less.

Trippy. Years ago I had a similar dream that I was surfing an epic right with you and other close friends; it had islands in the background, the sun was warm, the water not as warm, but the waves were perfect and head high. At that point, I had never been to Rincon (no pun intended). I remembered that dream very clearly - the purest of stoke, the good friends, the pleasure of being completely exhausted after a day-long session. And the buzz, as if everything was alive with strong, clean, honest energy. Every blade of grass glistened in the late afternoon sun, the rocks warm underneath, and the hillside booming with excitement of energy waves so strong one can almost see them with the naked eye.



Then I went to Rincon. I set foot on the cobbles and immediately remembered that dream...

May your travels take you to places you can only hope to comprehend. Good to see you living your dreams, my friend.

B



On 4/21/07, D wrote:

hey bud

all's well here in bali. got a good place and motorbike for $70/week. prices are a bit higher but still cheap. maybe $5 a day for food. surfs been anywhere from sholder to 4 foot overhead main peak and of decent quality. feeling a little out of it but expected and just being patient and acclimating. much easier transition than my first time here but stilll need to get used to the reefs again. wish i felt like it idid when i left samoa but thats not how it works.

there is internet here buts is dinoslow. 100mps.

crazy shit about the new chatham break, we shall see, very interesting.

hope all is well back there.

take care, stay tuned

D

Self-check

Things are going well. I got fired from my horrible consulting job where I was working for a nightmare of a manager. She was a complete bully who insisted on telling everyone that she had a PhD and an MBA, so anything she said or thought was obviously superior to anyone else. Well, you can imagine it didn't take long for me to "lock horns" with her. She told me that my "problem" was that I was overconfident and had a persona that leads people to believe me... ?!?!?!?! It went downhill from there. She also determined that there was no way I could be a good biologist if I didn't have a Master's degree, despite the five year's experience.

So I've been out of work for six weeks, getting unemployment. The first two weeks we had really good surf, probably the best of the winter, so I surfed every day, sometimes twice. The next two weeks I started coming out of the denial stage and dealing with the questions at hand, which had been in my head but I hadn't worked through them:

1. What career would allow me to make more money (since it's so damn expensive here, both partners need to make about 100K per year to live comfortably and near the beach).
2. How do I start working for myself or starting several streams of income?
3. If I leave biology/environmental consulting, how do I segue into a new field without starting at the bottom?
4. What career will I be happiest in?

So I had a lot to think about.

During that time, Teri and I had also planned a trip to British Columbia. Since we had a free place to stay, free plane tickets, and a buddy to pick us up in Seattle, we decided not to cancel the trip. Turns out it was 5 days of great snowboarding/skiing at Whistler/Blackcomb. Teri did really well hiking the glacier and experienced her first real powder turns. We stayed with a biologist friend who owns a place outside of Whistler. Danna has enjoyed the rise in real estate prices since they announced the 2010 winter olympics will be there.

We were able to spend some time in Seattle, too. Now we're considering moving there. For the price of our townhome here we could buy a house with a small yard in Seattle. Have you looked at U of Washington? Teri works from home and can live in any major city on the west coast, and I can work wherever. We're seriously considering it, even though I'd have to give up surfing (there is surf there, but you have to drive 2 hours, so I'd become a weekend warrior) but the sailing, mtn biking, backpacking, and winter outdoor activities are endless.

So we'll see. Lots of change, all of it good.

On the job front, an old coworker called me up and asked if I'm available as a sub-consultant for a large job that would take up most of the spring and summer. I named my price and he met it, so it looks like I just more than doubled my salary (I know it doesn't account for 401K contributions, health care, etc., but I'll take it for now).

Waxing window; aka, another day at South Mission Jetty

Wow. My windows got waxed today while surfing South Mission Jetty. My windows! WTF? On my rear window it said, "Go Back to AZ." The limp-dick 40+ year old guy that wrote this was the same one (since there were only 4 of us in the lineup and I knew one of them already) who yelled at me after my buddy dropped in on his buddy. Talk about guilt by association - I didn't get a trial or anything! Automatically I was labelled a kook because my friend Matt, who I haven't seen in months, happened to paddle out and drop in on a local. The local happened to be at least 10 years older than me or Matt. I'm 32 years old... so we have middle-aged men acting like 6-year olds, throwing temper tantrums if someone does something wrong. Check out this example.

Now, mind you, Matt was in the wrong. But when the local's buddy paddled up to me and yelled, "Real nice how your buddy dropped in on him!" I responded with, "hey man, I'm not stoked about it either." Matt had shaken up the hornet's nest and then refused to apologize. Fuck, what a pain in the ass. Whenever I paddle out at a place that is heavily localized, I tread lightly and try not to agitate anyone, because I know how easily a decent session can become a nightmare by the harrassment of lame-ass, middle-aged "locals" riding over-volumed boards to compensate for their disfunctional beer bellies. I'm sure these idiots don't have much, so they really hold on to surfing. They don't embrace change, they don't have any aloha, and they don't have any appreciation for anyone else.

There were 4 people out there (total) and two of them were still angry. What a shitty way to go through life, being that angry. In the words of Ed Abbey's grandmother, "May we live long enough to piss on their graves!"

The Rapscallion departs

Today we've lost one of the tribe to cancer. Dave was outrageously energetic, animated, and made everyone smile with his quick-witted commentary. I'm going to miss his "HEY, WOOD-MAN!" greetings and the video cameras that were always following him around. Dave could raise the stoke of a group with a few words and pointed commentary. Damn, I'm going to miss him.

Good luck, brother, and safe travels. You had a big impact on a lot of people - you won't be forgotten.

The Rapscallion preps his exit

Talk about heavy. I've known Dave for several years now. I received this from Marco today, and it sums up how I feel about life and death. It's never easy losing one of the tribe, as our surfing culture truly is. These people ARE our family, our support network, our life, our enthusiasm and stoke. Read on, and Dave, we'll always love you and cherish the times we spent getting to know you and bringing out a better side in all of us.

Much love,

Woody

************

As you all know, Dave Russell has been fighting a rare form of thyroid cancer for more than a year. Last June, he underwent surgery to remove tumors in his neck and shoulder, followed by a round of radiation at the end of summer. Neither of these treatments was able to remove all of the tumors from his body, so last fall he began an experimental chemotherapy trial specifically designed to slow the spread of his particular type of cancer. Needless to say, this treatment failed as well.

Dave is currently facing his last days, if not his last hours. He is at home with his wife, Megan and his sister, Julie. He seems peaceful, and not in pain. While Dave and Megan chose to face this challenge largely on their own, with only family and a few friends privy to the full extent of Dave’s condition, it seems appropriate that those who know him understand where he is at now.

When I met with Dave this afternoon, I promised him that I would tell all of you how much he loves you and appreciates the memories of spending time with you. Though Dave’s condition is such that he can no longer speak or render much of any cognizable sign of understanding, I had little doubt that he has come to terms with the life he’s lead, and that he wants everyone to know that everything is ok.

Though not really aware of his quickly declining condition (in denial, myself), in the last few weeks I did have the opportunity to discuss with Dave his feelings and fears about the future. More than anything, despite the cliché, Dave was thankful for his friends. At a very young age, Dave was estranged from his mother, father, and siblings, and was raised by his grandparents. When I first met him a few years ago, and at various times throughout our friendship, he would remark that not having a traditional family, and then later losing his grandparents, caused him at a pretty young age to see the true benefit of surrounding himself with people he cared about. Above all, Dave has lived his life with the understanding that all we really have in this world of value is our time, and the ability to give it to meaningful people and meaningful causes. And as we all know firsthand, Dave lived out this understanding with an almost absurd amount of energy.

I know Dave is afraid. It is impossible to face death the way he is and not be. But I’m confident that he’s ok with it. Last month, he told me that when he first found out he was sick, the fear strangled him, and he didn’t know how to react. The thought of dying was just too overwhelming. But once he had his surgery, and later his radiation therapy, he said he would sometimes find himself awake at 3 or 4 in the morning, with splitting pain in his head and neck or sick from the morphine, and he’d understand why older people with cancer just reach a point where they give up and take their own lives. Fighting through those times, and refusing to give up then, he had no choice but to realize where his condition was headed, and that he would have to cope with the knowledge of his own death. It was simply inevitable. It seems to me he reached the point where he stopped focusing on the fear of losing his life, and instead became sad that he would be lost to his friends. No regrets, no remorse, just a bummer that life can deal a hand with no silver lining.

At this point, I don’t know how else to put it, other than to say that Dave is thankful for the life he’s had, he loves you all, and he feels loved. Dave used to tell me how he feels sorry for people who die without living. Dave knows and has experienced the love of an amazing wife, the joy of establishing relationships with his sisters after years apart, the affection of so many friends, the stoke of a glassy wall on a twinzer at the Cliffs, the head-rush of a powder run at out-of-control speeds, the electricity of foreign cultures, the beauty of good art, and the preciousness of Mother Earth. As he said himself just before Christmas, “For someone with less than 40 years under my belt, I sure packed in a lot.”

Please, after reading this, take a quiet second and wish Dave your most positive thoughts as he embarks on his next journey; tell everyone around you how much you love them and care about them; and don’t forget to live.

I’ll be back in touch in the coming days or weeks as additional information becomes available about the Rapscallion.

-Marco

enviros, jobs, travel and such

Been thinking about lots of ideas:

• sustainability
• environmental outreach
• consulting
• surfing
• travel
• skiiing/snowboarding
• supporting a family
• eco-tourism greenwashing prevention
• sales jobs
• temporary bio jobs

I know, this is a lot to think about all at once. But when one finds themselves sans job, it's a little easier to address these thoughts. I'll attempt to address each one as I research it, delve further, and attempt to come up with a game plan.

another bday

As usual, lots going on. Time to re-evaluate things.

Surfrider - I'm worried about burning out. I've been doing this a while and I'm kinda over it.
Bad roommate situation - need to show Matt how to do dishes. and not eat my food.
Environmental consulting - I've been doing this a while but I'm changing jobs so I'm not over it.
Having birthdays where I'm over 30 - I've been doing this a while and there's no end in sight.
not working out/going to the gym - I've been doing this a while and need to go regularly.

Got a new job, same stuff but better pay. We'll see how it goes. Don't want to be chasing birds when I'm 35. That gives me three years to get my shit together and change things because I turn 32 tomorrow. Dammit. I got my driver's license 16 years ago. Gotta roll with the punches, I guess.

Side note - I've noticed my g-friend claims she doesn't get PMS. Perhaps she doesn't get bitchy like other women (thank Gawd!) but she's certainly less affectionate and less interested in me around that time of the month. Funny. Her converstaion borders on curt and there is less empathy than usual. Which means what? Well, it means she's human and prone to changes in demeanor from time to time. Like I have any room to talk...

Surfing is good but like Patton once said, "Glory, in victory, is fleeting..." Perhaps this is why I'm drawn back every day; to chase that glorious feeling of shwacking the lip, cutting back with reckless abandon and ducking into barrels with a clear mind. We are drawn to do the dance and revive our stoke. Constant stoke and hope for more swell is what keeps us coming back. May it continue for a long while.

time is changing

the time is changing; daylight savings is kicking in. Good thing, too. The parrots and sunshine are coming way too early for me - and I'm an early riser!

more swell on the way. and I'm actually home for a change to enjoy it. now if i could just get a weekend with my girlie where we didn't have to do anything else... we talked about that today and it's good to see we're on the same page, both feeling like a weekend with no plans would be a welcome change. time to sleep. tomorrow we surf, eat, surf, eat, surf, eat, sleep.

got some change, bro?

change is in the midst - romantically, friends, work, surf, music, art, society at large - and I'm open to it. change should be embraced 'cause fighting it is like pissing against the tide... if you fight it the only one who loses is you.

So I'm bummed that my friend Kev is leaving to follow his passions in Seattle. Bummed? Nah. That's selfish. I'm excited for him - bummed for myself. Every once is long while I meet someone who I really connect with, see eye to eye with, and admire as an equal. Not often. Kev is one of those people. His musical taste is exquisite. Knowledge of waves, ocean, computers, bicycles, techy geekdom, and VW's is bar none. Kev can tell you anything you want to know about technology, film trends, and European cars. More importantly, he only deals with people he respects or people he is forced to deal with out of necessity - roommates, neighbors, bosses, etc. I fall into the former category since I have no bearing on his paycheck, living situation, or the condition of his lawn.

Kev is always up for an adventure. Now that he's leaving I regret not doing more trips. Dammit. Although Catalina for the paddleboard race weekend was a once-in-a-lifetime trip. Hiking several miles to surf Shark Harbor with no water bottles. Snagging a ride back (after hiking for over an hour) with some biologists working on the island while Kev is squeezed into the back between 5 surfboards and as many wetsuits. Then heading to Laguna Beach and checking out the Moonshine Festival. Meeting the Patagonia crew and seeing Monumental. Who knew that would lead to so many more things? Who knew it would spur so many ideas?

I guess what I have to take from this is: treasure every moment with friends; always look for opportunities to do something interesting; stay engaged in my ever increasing world.

Kev leaving makes me reconsider my options, too. This happens a lot - I start thinking about the myriad options open to me and feel it's never enough. Life is too frigg'n short to accomplish everything.

So that's one thing. romance is another. that's another blog, methinks. until then, the surf is good - though not always faithful. This week is starting slow but will inevitably change...

whether the weather will clear

It's been a long time since getting in the water. My bro Kevin has been forecasting some swell for Thursday and now the models (wave models, not slinky doe-eyed beauties) seem to agree. As usual, he's ahead of the curve. As good friends should be.

The deluge of the past two weeks is enough to make a surfer and biologist cry. For one, I haven't been able to surf much - and I threw my back out on Jan. 2nd trying to pop to my feet anyways. Dammit. Recovery has been decent, though it's never fast enough. On the flip side, I'm going to have plenty of work this spring, which will help me stash some cash for the trip to the southern hemisphere in June/July.

Spoke with the boys in Tahoe - Darren and Jonny. Both are stoked with conditions, and hey, who wouldn't be? 12+ feet in two weeks? Or more? Retarded. Awesome. Wish I was there.

Getting the back healed, working out, eating my veggies. The new year always involves a renewed vigor for me. As it should.

Seaside Reef doing its thing, 12.10.04 

Cardiff, winter time bliss. 

Indicators shows its punch. That's a 12-foot face. 

Booz'n at Jamie & Marco's wedding. 

Pook & Bill entertaining the party. 

Pre-dawn Thoughts during a December Swell

Sitting at my desk, watching the horizon transition from deep blue to hues of light blue and tan - a stubborn planet defies the dawn, shining with all its glory. The silhouettes of the canary palms against the cloudless pre-dawn sky sway gently in the dry Santa Anna winds. Offshore for another day! The buoys have dropped a bit, La Jolla buoy is showing a decreasing period (17 seconds yesterday morning, 14 seconds by evening, 13 seconds this morning) and now decreasing size.

Yesterday was a classic day at Sunset Cliffs. Except for the crowds, which are to be expected in a county of 3 million people, conditions and attitudes were as clean as it gets in San Diego. Sets were 2-3 foot overhead and a light offshore Santa Anna wind kept things warm with a high of nearly 80 degrees. Not bad for the middle of December. I think most people in San Diego have come to accept that things are crowded here, including the surf breaks, so there is less out-and-out fighting in the water and more elementary competition with an emphasis on positioning and paddling ability. Survival (or in this case, recreational bliss) of the fittest!

My 6'7" rounded pintail proved to be the right choice for both sessions because it handles speed well and holds on the face. I'm thinking I want slightly more rocker in my next rounded pin but I'm still debating what size to get. 6'4" thumbnail tail? 6'5" rounded pin? 6'3" squash? I'm sure Larry will shape another great board, no matter what I ask for. That guy is a wizard of surfboard shaping.

The dawn sky is now prepped for the sun's entrance. The light blue contrasts with the ever patient canary palms still waving in the breeze. My coffee is now luke-warm and my body on overdrive. Time to fuel up the belly, load up the truck, and head to the cliffs for another morning of watching the sunrise from the ocean.